It usually takes me about two hours in the mornings to go through all my MySpace and e-mail reading and whatnot. That includes copious amounts of distractions and usually breakfast preparation. Today it only took about an hour. INCLUDING leaving blog comments.
So you’re getting a blog that, at this point, has no pre-defined direction.
I went to my old livejournal page and read some old stuff. It was sort of depressing.. I had to crawl into bed with Eric and wake him up and make him hug me. I went through a very dark time.
I asked Eric a few days ago how he was able to fall in love with me, when we first met. Or, more accurately, how he was able to see through all of the bullshit and fall in love with the REAL me. I was so broken, and once we were together and I started to clean up, I was still completely relient on him while I put myself together. Now that I feel like myself again – a much wiser and stronger version – it’s amazing to me that he was able to see through everything I was going through, and see my true self, my true heart.
His answer was that he’s seen people go through what I went through, and he knew that “people aren’t who they are when they’re in a crisis like that.”
It obviously wasn’t the self-pitying, self-destructive addict he loved, or he would left me. Either that, or facilitated my self-destructiveness. “No baby, you don’t need to be sober, I don’t like you when you think for yourself. Here, let’s make that phone call and get that guy over here.” Heehee. He came up with that to make me giggle so I’d stop crying on him, I think.
One of my old livejournal posts mentions meeting Eric for the first time. Apparently I got a drunk-dial text message from an ex (also named Eric) that same weekend asking me to marry him. Haha, I’d forgotten about that. In a way, I’m glad that my life was so fucked up that I didn’t even consider going back to him. I’m sorry, I hate to admit it, but that boy was just too nice for me. He wanted to be “in charge” of the relationship, but I ran him. I just like bad boys. I hear “nice guys” whine all the time about how they never get the girls.. Well, that sucks, dude. I don’t even have any advice. Some girls like the romantic complimentary sweetheart fellows. Some girls don’t. I don’t. My friend layla described what she wanted as “gentle brutality.” I thought that was hot.
After I reread this, I felt like there needed to be some break here as a buffer between subject changes. However, I didn’t feel like coming up with a smooth way to do it. And now it’s done.
I like turning into an adult. I love this transition into womanhood. I love to cook. I still hate to clean but I like for things to BE clean, which is I guess the way that usually works, from what I understand it. I like making a decision that I feel is responsible. I hate worrying about finances but I like the freedom that comes with making my own decisions. I like setting my own priorities (and, okay, trying to set Eric’s). I like getting topical humor. I like being able to kiss my fiance. I like watching other people’s kids get bigger and reflecting on my own childhood and thinking about having my own kids. I like having a conversation and thinking, “When I was a kid, this was ‘adult’ talk.”
I know there’s stress, I know there’s drama, I know there are serious consequences to bad decisions. But.
I. just. like it.
And that, my friends, is a glimpse of what my brain goes through in half an hour. Maybe 45 minutes. But I made breakfast.