Whatever words I say…

How do I stop worrying and
where do I find peace? No one has ever
-ever- been able to answer those
two
questions
for me.

It’s strange things, the wrong things.
Like,
I don’t really care
at all
that I haven’t had a cell phone in three weeks.
I hate talking on the phone
anyway
But I can’t stop fretting about the fact
that now Eric can’t find his phone
either.
And I have spent
all
night
long
looking through the house for a key
This maybe isn’t one of those
“wrong”
things. The key is important. It is our (only) car key.
But I can’t stop thinking about it.
People lose keys all the time
God knows when I was in college
I lost my keys
and my ID
every
single
day.
The security office remembered me
when I had to go get a new copy of my id made
every few weeks.
But I always found my keys
always.
I still have the key to my Camry
– you know, the one Korry wrecked
more than a year ago.
I don’t know why I keep the key
But I know exactly where it is
…but not the key to our new car.

I worry about philosophical, existential problems.
Why am I here
Will I ever be what I dream
what do my dreams mean
why do I keep dreaming about my dad
why are we always yelling in those dreams
will they stop? when will they stop?

I worry about my relationship
sometimes we
are
such
strangers.
Sometimes I feel like
maybe
an alien has taken him and he is not here anymore
or else
maybe it was me they took
because we are both saying words
but they seem to be different languages
Two people
having two conversations
at one time
And even when it’s happening
It’s *funny*
Because it’s so strange.

But can two people
ever
really have the same conversation?
Are two people
ever
really on the same page?
Has anyone in my life ever understood
exactly what I was trying to say to them?
Have I
ever
understood exactly what someone else was saying?

I love him, he loves me, we know that.
There is no distance, no falling apart
We are both a little
– a lot –
crazy. It’s no secret
to either one of us.
Sometimes bad crazy. Sometimes good. Sometimes fun and sometimes
we see each other’s
atrocoties.

I am having
such
a
hard
time
relating to other people
right now.
I feel sometimes like I’m watching a movie
and the other people are actors
and somehow I’m supposed to guess the lines.
I do alright I guess
but sometimes
I just
don’t try.

Can anyone please
oh please
oh please
Help me find the key I’m missing?

*edit*
Literally
as soon
as I hit Post
Eric came home
(I knew he was here, I heard the car
so I hurried to finish
so I could get back to making dinner –
quesadillas if you wondered)
He had his phone
in one hand
and our car key
in the other.

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